


Difficult Love

by geez



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Devi's mental health is incredibly important, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Season/Series 01, Slow Burn, Teen Romance, what if i take paxton and make him ridiculously sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24758794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geez/pseuds/geez
Summary: "We don't even really know each other..." She’s right. They don’t really know each other that well, and he only started to notice her because she asked him to have no-strings-attached sex with her. Their trajectory is illogical and ill-fated.Doomed.It doesn’t make sense and if the universe were normal then they would’ve stayed in their seperate orbits, never interacting and never the wiser. Despite the hurt they’re causing each other right now, Paxton still thinks that whatever universe in which he doesn’t know the forceful pull of Devi Vishwakumar would be all the dimmer for it. No, the rules of the universe say they shouldn’t have met. But then Devi defied the universe and crashed into him anyway.
Relationships: Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 41
Kudos: 97





	1. Beginning at the End

**Author's Note:**

> AN:  
> Why am I doing this? Why am I starting a multi-chap Paxton Hall-Yoshida angst fest? Because I can't stop looking at this soft boi and not wanting to know more about him, that's why. So I decided I'm doing this my damn self. 
> 
> Regarding timeline, which doesn’t actually matter for you, Ganesh Puja was September 2nd in 2019 and Eleanor referenced Kristen Stewart in Charlie’s Angels when Fab came out to her. So I’m placing this show and fic in 2019. More importantly, I’m starting this in October 2019. Once again this doesn’t matter to you, but it helped me orient myself to figure out the timeline a bit.
> 
> 6/17 Update: Going back and watching the show I notice that Paxton referred to his dad as Japanese, instead of his mom (who I'd originally planned to be Japanese because Darren's mom irl is Japanese). In this first chapter Paxton's mom calls his dad "Don"- I've decided to go with a traditional Japanese name for Paxton's dad instead of Don, although Don will be his anglicized name around white people because white people are the worst. However, I figured it would be weird and racist if his wife called him Don instead of his real name. This is all a very long-winded way to say that I changed Paxton's dad's name (which is literally only referenced once thus far). Carry on.

Exactly a week after Devi’s mom calls him an idiot and sends him spiraling into an existential crisis, Paxton once again finds himself in front of the Vishwakumar house bracing for more vitriol. If this is anything like last Saturday he’ll end up in his driveway with no memory of getting home and his entire body vibrating like that time Trent dared him to drink five Red Bulls in one hour.

Rebecca only got it partially right when she said he was scared of dating Devi because she’s so much smarter than him. Paxton actually thinks it could be refreshing to be with a girl who refuses to dumb herself down for anyone. Devi might be a little awkward and intense but not without good reason. There’s a lot of weight on her shoulders to overachieve and be the best, no matter what. Everyone in school knows she’s going to do great things, she’s the girl all their parents point to and ask _Why can’t you be more like her?_

Well, her and Gross, although Ben has always been a little too desperate for attention to take seriously. With Devi it’s just like...she’s gonna be amazing whether people are there to see it or not. At least that’s how she seems to Paxton.

And he just needs to keep his head together and tell her that. Apologize for being an insecure asshole who, deep down, knows that he’s not really good enough for a girl like Devi, who has actual goals and a future. Who is so bright and vibrant that her true self shines through even when she’s trying to play a part.

Except no one’s home and Devi doesn’t answer the phone when he calls. A part of him is relieved but the rest of him knows that he’s just going to exist in this state of constant motion until he can see her on Monday. He goes home and tries not to be offended that Rebecca doesn’t believe him when he tells her that no one was home. Paxton makes it all through dinner without drawing too much attention to himself. His dad asks him about swim practice, asks Bex if she’s heard from that fashion school yet.

“Dad,” she says, exasperated, “I only sent in the application a week ago. It takes time.”

“Well I don’t see why it should, obviously your designs were great,” Dad replies, looking a little miffed as he cuts his chicken. “You said one of your friends modeled for you, right, hon?”

Paxton looks up from his plate just in time to catch the mischievous smile on his sister’s face. “She’s more of Paxton’s friend, really…”

“Paxton! You got a new girlfriend?” He watches in horror as his mom gets excited, downright hopeful, at the mere prospect that her precious son will finally bring a girl home. “She must be special if she’s willing to help Becca out at a moment’s notice.”

“No, she’s- I mean, yeah, Mom, she’s real special, she’s great but we aren’t...it isn’t-” Across the table, Rebecca barely swallows her water, she’s laughing so much. “Me and Devi aren’t dating, Mom.”

“Yet.” Rebecca murmurs.

“Rebecca!”

“Devi? That’s a pretty name,” Mom tries to act casual, flipping her brown hair away from her face and exchanging a look with his father. “Well, bring your friend over some time, honey. I’d love to meet her.”

“Sometime when your mother and I are home, so I don’t feel like you’re ashamed of your parents,” Dad says sternly.

“Douan, stop it,” Mom orders, swatting her husband’s arm. “He just doesn’t want us to monopolize her time.”

“As long as she doesn’t take time away from practices, I don’t have a problem with it. Just stay focussed, Paxton. It’s your junior year, scouts are gonna start paying a lot of attention to you now. Coach Wilson told me that some guy from USC is going to stop by to watch the relay and the 200m freestyle later this season. So make sure you shave some time off your tumble turn…”

Paxton tunes his dad out, who can really go on forever as long as you nod and say _Yes, sir_ at the appropriate intervals. It’s not that he doesn’t have a point, Paxton could probably stand to add some more seconds to his negative split in the 200m, but he’d really like to have one family dinner where the majority of the conversation doesn’t revolve around swimming and whether or not he’ll be good enough to get into a D1 program.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and every nerve in his body knows that it’s Devi. Paxton makes his excuses and takes his plate to the kitchen, nearly throwing the glassware into the sink before taking the stairs to his room two at a time.

He pulls his phone out and reads the message, relieved to see that it’s from Devi after all.

 **Devi V. <6:34 pm>**: _Hey...sorry I missed your call. Kinda had a family emergency. Talk Monday?_

 **PHY <6:37 pm>**: _Np, don’t worry about it. Everything ok?_

 **Devi V. <6:39 pm>**: _Yeah, all good over here! Nearly died on the highway a 1000x and John McEnroe yelled at my mom!_

 **PHY <6:40 pm>**: _The tennis player? Wow that sounds like a lot lol...I’m not doing anything rn if you feel like you wanna talk about it?_

 **PHY <7:30 pm>**: _Or not, if you don’t want. I get it. Family stuff is hard._

 **PHY <10:05 pm>**: _Sweet dreams, Devi..._

It’s fine, everything’s fine.

~

Monday morning is...not great. He spends like fifteen extra minutes getting ready between trying to get his hair to lay just right and figuring out which shirt in his closet screams the right amount of _I’m sorry, you’re so out of my league that I freaked out, please come to my house and meet my crazy parents_. In the end, Paxton gives up on his hair and goes with the forest green henley that a girl once told him makes him look like he gives the best hugs in the world.

It seems like the vibe.

He gets to school a little early to be sure he has time to talk to Devi the minute she gets to her locker and spends that entire ten minutes fidgeting like Marcus used to before his parents got him a fidget spinner.

Devi walks down the hall and it’s like everything slows down. Paxton vaguely feels like “Moving in Stereo” should be playing, with the way the light bounces off her curly hair and shines around her like a halo. It’s only right, he thinks, that light should fracture around her like she’s atmosphere.

She’s back with her friends, the three of them coming together with happy smiles, and it makes Paxton smile too. Devi deserves to be happy. Eleanor and Fabiola leave Devi at her locker and Paxton decides now’s the time. He has to be honest and own up to his mistakes and maybe she’ll give him a chance.

“Hey, Vishwakumar, gotta minute?” There, that was good, nice and simple.

Devi looks at him, her entire face lighting up the way it always does around him, and Paxton really thinks everything will work out. They can make this work. “Paxton, hi! What’s up?”

“Look, I just wanted to apologize. I’ve been a dick to you this past week. I shouldn’t have taken out my anger towards your mom at you, that wasn’t fair.”

Devi gives him a gentle smile, one that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, revealing how tired she must be from whatever went down this weekend. “In your defense, she said some really harsh things. I’m sorry too, by the way, she’s never been like that to my friends before. Not even Eleanor and my mom thinks theater is a waste of time for anyone who doesn’t have a trust fund.”

Friends, she said friends. That’s not horrible, he can work with that. “Yeah, look about that, Devi... I really think you should know that I-”

“David! My parents, well Patty, want to know when you can come over for dinner. Now that we’re...you know,” Gross trails off once he notices Paxton standing there. His face scrunches in displeasure and Paxton knows his own expression has gone completely blank. Devi looks horrified.

Something excited and viscous flashes in Ben’s eyes before he slides his hand around Devi’s waist and kisses her cheek. “Just let me know when you can come over. See you in calc.”

The hollow ache in his chest is probably the worst thing Paxton’s ever felt in his life. It feels like every organ in his body has vanished, replaced by the feeling of too-late and of-course-it’s-him and shouldn’t-have-gotten-my-hopes-up. On top of all that, Devi is just standing there looking guilty and blushing furiously under Gross’s attention and still so goddamn beautiful. And it’s so typical that Paxton would find a girl who makes him feel like he’s actually worth something only to be beaten to the punch by Ben frickin’ Gross.

“Paxton, look…”

“I thought you said you had a family emergency?”

“I did have a family emergency! I was fighting with my mom and I didn’t want to spread my dad’s ashes because it all felt so permanent but Eleanor and Fab got through to me and Ben drove me all the way to Malibu and it just. It just sort of happened.”

“No, yeah, of course. Just happened. Couldn’t control it.” He has to get out of here. Right now. Immediately. Before he does something stupid like rip his heart right out of his chest and tell Devi he’s _really happy for her_. “So you and Gross are together now?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know...there’s still some stuff I need to work through, I think,” she finally says. Devi looks unsure and more than a little bit broken. Paxton wishes he could take her into his arms and promise that everything will be okay.

“Well, I hope that _stuff_ includes learning not to use other people for your own gains,” Paxton responds.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Whatever you want it to mean, Devi,” he says, “I gotta get to English.”

As he walks down the hall he can hear her yelling at him, and Paxton’s sure that if his eardrums weren't ringing he'd appreciate Devi's incredible ability to cut people down to the bone. She's probably insulting his intelligence, calling him shallow and insensitive. Saying he doesn't have a right to be mad at her because she doesn't owe him anything. And all of that would be true. Paxton shouldn't have presumed to believe that he could be anything but a distraction for Devi. He can’t help but think that it makes sense. Of course, the one time he steps outside of his comfort zone and tries to be more than everyone’s expectations, tries to do something that might actually make him happy...well, the universe just had to fuck with that right?


	2. I Don't Want to Love You, I Just Want to Hold You 'Til I Calm Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First- thank you to everyone for your support! I keep on wanting to go back and change little things about Chapter 1 (I never think my writing is finished) but I've loved the comments and your enthusiasm for this story! Thanks for loving Paxton as much as I do!

History is painful. 

He texts Trent that he’s sitting in the back to take a nap, which is probably the worst thing he could do to himself. Paxton strategically sits at the front to make himself pay attention to Mr. Shapiro’s boring lectures. Lately, it’s also been a ploy to spend more time with Devi but initially, his intentions were to, um, maybe not fail AP World History? 

Honestly, he’d be perfectly fine in the regular history class but Hall-Yoshidas don’t fail anything. Point of family pride or whatever. 

Devi keeps peeking at him over her shoulder, alternating between catching him staring at her shiny hair and frantically trying to pick out the relevant information of Shapiro’s fake-woke vernacular to take concise notes. Neither situation is ideal, given that it reminds him he is 1) pathetically in over his head with this girl and 2) well on his way to failing history _again_. 

“Get your shit together, man, come on,” he whispers to himself, clenching his pencil tightly in his hand. 

“Wonderful! Paxton, what questions do you have about the Afrikaner Broederbund?” Mr. Shapiro inquires eagerly. Paxton looks up at the teacher and realizes his muttering was caught in the dead silence of a disinterested class. 

“Uh, no questions, Mr. Shapiro, just talking to myself,” he winces as the class snickers. 

Of course, Mr. Shapiro notices this and decides now is the time to be a supportive educator. “Now, now, conversations with the self is a sign of an active mind! Paxton isn’t trippin’, he’s just got a lot going on up there.” 

At the front of the class, sitting right next to Devi, Gross coughs out a laugh and whisper-yells, “I doubt it.” 

Devi immediately reaches across the aisle and slaps him on the arm, resulting in a remarkably gratifying yelp from Ben. It almost makes up for the entire class turning in their seats to stare at him, clearly expecting a rebuttal. Paxton has never wished he could disappear more. The attention isn’t anything new, and he knows what they want from him, they want some big aggressive display to defend himself. What no one ever understands is that Paxton has never been an aggressive, confrontational guy. It’s an assumption based on his social standing and general confidence but where some guys want to have a knock-down-drag-out fight to make themselves feel better, Paxton would much rather have it out with someone in private- where no one else can judge him or have an opinion. 

So no, this situation is not his idea of a good time. 

Devi has fully turned in her seat and is looking directly at him, an awful pitying expression on her face. Paxton squirms under her gaze, thinking that he’d rather have the entire class tell him he’s an idiot than have Devi feel bad for him. Still, as much as he’d like to disappear, he can’t look away. Their eyes have locked and Devi does what she does best- makes him feel like they’re the only two people in the room. 

He gives Devi a half-shrug and some approximation of a smile. Paxton hopes she can read the apology for earlier by her locker, for ignoring her and blowing her off last week, for not being courageous enough to own up to his feelings. Devi smiles softly at him and, god, he can’t believe she’s real. 

Devi turns back around and the moment is gone. Apparently Mr. Shapiro has been talking this entire time but Paxton can’t catch any of it, thinks he hears something about Plato’s _Allegory of the Cave_. He’d much rather ignore his classmates, whose attention he still feels running over his skin like a scratchy blanket. 

“I actually have a question, Mr. Shapiro!” Devi interrupts, promptly raising her hand into the air. 

“You do?” Mr. Shapiro asks, brow furrowed. 

“Yes. What do you think of their connection with the Dutch Reformed Church and subsequently do you think their religious preferences contributed to the Catholic Church’s vehement disapproval of apartheid?” Paxton sincerely has no idea what she just said and he knows for a fact that none of it was in last night’s reading either. Devi just pulled that out of thin air, for him. To get the attention off of him and give him a moment to breathe. 

“Very interesting query, Devi, let’s unpack that.” 

~ 

At lunch Devi asks to talk, something Paxton’s noticed is becoming a bit of a trend. 

“Hey, Paxton, can I talk to you?” 

He exchanges a look with Trent, who is as oblivious as always and clearly has no idea what’s going on. The guy just smiles and continues obliterating his apple, making Paxton worry that he’ll eat through the core again. 

“Yeah, sure,” he says, getting up and following Devi to a quiet corner of the courtyard. For a few awkward moments they just stare at each other, Paxton desperately not wanting to have this conversation while simultaneously wanting to exist wherever Devi Vishwakumar is for the rest of time. 

Yes, Rebecca does tell him he’s a drama queen. Frequently. 

Devi’s eyes flit all around, only landing on him for a second at a time, clearly trying to work up the courage to say whatever she has to. Paxton heaves a sigh. “What’s up, Devi? I left my lunch over there and Marcus is a merciless vulture about Sun Chips.” 

For whatever reason, Devi acts deeply interested in his preferred flavor of Sun Chips. “What kind?” 

“ _Garden Salsa_ , I’m not a monster.” Devi laughs and flashes a look at him through her eyelashes. “Look, is this what you wanted to talk about?” 

_Because this is the worst day of my life, probably, and if I’m gonna be miserable I’d like to be miserable over there where you won’t think I’m pathetic._

“I just feel like I should explain...about Ben,” she finally says. 

Paxton winces. “Believe when I say you really, really don’t.” 

“Look I know he’s an asshole, but come on I’m an asshole too, and he’s been a really good friend to me these past few weeks when everyone has shut me out and made me feel like shit,” Paxton keeps his eyes firmly trained over Devi’s shoulder, wondering if everything would be different if he’d gotten over his own issues and just talked to Devi last week. If he could’ve been the guy for her instead of Gross. “And I mean, maybe it was always supposed to be this way. We’ve been competing forever, maybe it was just like, repressed sexual tension or something.” 

Paxton makes a face, telegraphing what he thinks of that nonsense. “The mocking the girl you like routine is a little old, don’t you think?” Devi’s unsure silence is enough of an answer. “What are you even trying to say, Devi? Because it sounds like you’re trying to convince me you want to be with Gross.” 

“I _do_ like him.” 

“Okay, so what is the point of this? Giving me a taste of my own medicine? Just rubbing it in my face that you’re picking him and not me?” He spits out, feeling overwhelmed with hurt and not-good-enough. Devi looks surprised at his outburst but all Paxton can hear is that whatever they were is a mistake, a bump in the road, on the way to her and Ben Gross’s happily ever after. She goes to speak but the words just spill out of him, “I mean, am I even a person to you? Or just some walking sex toy you can use to forget your problems?” 

“Of course not! Paxton, I-” 

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice? People using me is nothing new, Devi. I should have stopped hanging out with you but I just- I thought you were different. I wanted you to be different.” 

He watches the defensive anger settle over Devi’s features and braces himself for impact. “It’s not like you weren’t using me either! I bet you don’t even like me, you just think you should because that would mean you’re not as shallow as everyone thinks you are!” She says it vehemently and with full conviction, cutting into the heart of him the way only Devi can when she’s mad at somebody. 

Even knowing it was coming, Paxton’s breath catches in his chest. “Jesus, Devi, come on,” he says softly, hurt. 

“No, I think I’m really onto something here. We walk down the hallway together one day and everyone suddenly thinks Paxton Hall-Yoshida is a saint for dating a member of the UN!” 

He’d really love to point out that he’s never called them that, partially because Devi and her friends were truly not on his radar until she propositioned him but also because it just sounded incredibly racist. That probably wouldn’t be a constructive topic of conversation though. 

Paxton shakes his head. “See that’s where you’re wrong, Devi. I’d never think like that. I’ve always been completely straight with you. Once I figured out how I felt, I just wanted you.” 

“We don’t even really know each other…” Devi looks small, in a way that makes him want to hug her and immediately apologize. Paxton stands his ground. She’s right. They don’t really know each other that well, and he only started to notice her because she asked him to have no-strings-attached sex with her. Their trajectory is illogical and ill-fated. 

Doomed. 

It doesn’t make sense and if the universe were normal then they would’ve stayed in their separate orbits, never interacting and never the wiser. Despite the hurt they’re causing each other right now, Paxton still thinks that whatever universe in which he doesn’t know the forceful pull of Devi Vishwakumar would be all the dimmer for it. No, the rules of the universe say they shouldn’t have met. But then Devi defied the universe and crashed into him anyway. 

“I want to get to know you. That’s all I’ve been trying to do,” he says, feeling so tired. How is it only the middle of the day? “I just want you to be happy, Devi. I think you deserve that, probably more than a lot of people…” _Definitely more than me._

“I- I don’t know what to say,” Devi replies, hugging her arms around herself. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” he says. It’s not on her to comfort him or return his feelings. She might have turned his life upside down with her very presence but that doesn’t automatically mean they have to be together, as much as it hurts to say it. “It’s cool, Vishwakumar. No sweat. I’ll get over it.” It’s wishful thinking at best but it’s what he needs to say to get his emotions back under control. 

Paxton turns to go and walks away, ignoring the dumbfounded look on Devi’s face. 

It feels like a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, honestly, I have a very vague plan about where this is going. This is a good sign because I really like to just write and see where things go. There will be a happy ending, so don't worry about that. 
> 
> I also want to address the way the narrative views Ben. I like Ben, I think he's a great character and a great love interest for Devi, but these past two chapters have been from Paxton's POV. Ben is his rival, so of course he doesn't like him. Likewise, I think we've clearly seen that Ben is very lonely and latches onto people. This makes him a great friend to the people he cares about but when Ben feels threatened by someone he lashes out. He's lashing out towards Paxton, who is his romantic rival for Devi's affections. So yeah- he's not being shown in the best light right now. 
> 
> The next chapter will be from Devi's POV, affectionately called "Devi's Interlude" in my head, because I really like Ben as a character and I want to be kinder to him. I also want to get us outside of Paxton's head to see how other characters are interpreting his and Devi's relationship and how Devi feels right now. Where she is right now mentally is a very unhealthy place and I want Devi to heal a little bit before she gets with anyone. So that's the goal for next chapter, which will probably be pretty long.


	3. Devi's Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is coming out within twelve hours of Chapter Two, and I'm really planning on slowing down at some point, but this story is just pouring out of me. This chapter also effectively doubles the word count. Devi had a lot to say. 
> 
> This is Devi's POV and Paxton isn't in it, he's just mentioned, but I think this is so important for moving the story forward. Devi has so much going on and I really enjoyed being in her head. 
> 
> Please remember to comment, I live for the validation!

So maybe Devi doesn’t exactly have a plan. In her defense, scattering her dad’s ashes and kissing Ben in his car felt like a great bookend. The perfect way to find closure and solve all her problems. 

Saying goodbye to her dad and kissing a nice boy; that’s the dream. 

Then the kiss ended and Devi looked around to find out that the world was exactly the same. She’d felt a lot of catharsis on the beach, felt at peace with her mom for once, but deep down she still felt...she still felt broken. But shouldn’t it be better now? Devi looked at Ben, who was unexpectedly kind and a good person, despite his dick behavior from the entirety of their previous acquaintance. But she was a dick too, sometimes, and she’d be hard-pressed to find someone more similar to her in terms of temperament and academic success. 

Devi wasn’t ready to admit she was wrong about much but maybe she was ready to say that romance should be based on more than attraction. 

“So, uh, that happened,” she says, pulling away from Ben abruptly. 

“Yeah...yeah it did,” Ben replies, staring out the windshield. To the car that holds her grieving mother and perfect cousin. Who are waiting for her. 

“Shit. I need to go. I’m surprised Mom hasn’t come out here to pull me away by the hair,” Devi hurriedly opens the door and slips out of Ben’s car. Ben’s dad’s car. Whatever. 

“Hey, David, calm down. Wait a minute,” Ben cajoles, hand out as if to grasp hers. 

“What?” He wordlessly hands her bag to her, which Devi takes. Her phone rests on top of everything, blissfully blank. “Oh. Thanks.” 

“I’ll uh, I’ll talk to you Monday, alright? Have a nice night with your family. I can have Patty drop your stuff off when she gets off work at my house,” he offers. Ben’s smile is sweet and his tone is laced with easy-going generosity as if he offers to have his housekeeper drop things off at girls’ houses all the time. Despite the anxiety skyrocketing in her stomach right now, Devi smiles back. 

For all his faults, Ben Gross is a good guy. 

“See you later, Gross,” Devi says before hopping into her mom’s waiting car. Where her mother and cousin are staring at her like she’s grown a second head. “Uh...hey, guys. What’s up? Sorry about the wait, I had to talk to Ben about the logistical return of my retainer. Don’t want those teeth moving.” Devi laughs nervously, the sound grating her ears. 

Mom still hasn’t moved or shifted her expression. Kamala looks dumbfounded. 

“Devi, did I just see you kiss that small Jewish boy?” Mom’s voice is carefully controlled but her eyes are furious. 

“Who? Oh, you mean, Ben? It’s...definitely possible.” 

Nalini goes to speak but Kamala grasps her hand. “Auntie, maybe now isn’t the best time. I’m very interested in these pancakes you were telling me about.” Kamala smiles and nods at Devi, eyes wide. 

“Yeah, Mom, we should stop at the farmer’s market and get some blueberries to put into them!” 

Nalini looks at Kamala and Devi, rightfully suspicious. The two young women try to look as innocent as possible. Finally, Nalini nods and turns forward, putting the car into drive and pulling away from the curb. 

“We have blueberries at home,” she says quietly. 

Devi breathes a sigh of relief, smiling gratefully at Kamala. Crisis averted. 

For now. 

~ 

Somehow Devi makes it the entire car trip from Malibu without checking her phone. It vibrates intermittently with what she assumes are texts from Fab and Eleanor, welcoming her back into the fold, or maybe Ben, letting her know he got home safe and didn’t die in a fiery crash on the freeway. 

She walks into the house behind Mom and Kamala, who are discussing the finer points of pancake-flipping, with oddly mixed feelings of relief and trepidation. She’d missed her house. The bright colors and the smell of home, the warm feeling of family, and a lived-in space. Ben’s house definitely doesn’t feel as loved as hers. 

“I’m going up to my room for a second,” Devi says, heading for the stairs. “I’ll be right down.” 

“Okay. Remember, you need to show Kamala how to make those Mickey Mouse pancakes and heat up the syrup,” Mom tells her. 

“Just put it in the microwave.” 

“Devi!” 

“Kidding!” She calls, swiftly going upstairs. At the top of the landing, she hears her mother and Kamala laugh. 

Devi bursts into her room and throws her bag onto her bed, pulling her phone out. There are all the usual suspects, her group message with Fabiola and Eleanor, affectionately labeled “FED Up”, is blowing up. Apparently Fab has a mini-golf date with Eve tonight and she doesn’t know what to wear. There’s a text from Ben letting her know what time Patty will be over with all the stuff she left at his house. And one missed call from Paxton. 

Wait, what? 

Holy shit, he left a voicemail. The timestamp tells her that he called right around the time she was in Malibu with her family. To be honest, Devi forgot she’d even set up her voicemail. Her mom had made her after she took the PSATs, so college recruiters would think she was professional and mature. With a shaky breath, Devi lifts the phone to her ear. 

Paxton’s voice is soft and unsure in a way she’s never heard before. “ _ Oh, hey, um, I’m in your neighborhood. Thought maybe we could hang out, but, uh, it seems like you’re busy so... Uh...Anyway, you can give me a call or text. Whatever. Okay. _ ” 

The line goes dead and Devi’s heart sinks. She just knows that Paxton was coming over to apologize like he had after the whole misunderstanding about Rebecca. She can’t even imagine what her mom would have done if she knew that Paxton was at her house while Devi was busy kissing another boy. She’d probably have a heart attack, making Devi an orphan and leaving Kamala in charge. 

Don’t make that face. Devi’s allowed to make jokes like that. 

Out of nowhere, Devi remembers kissing Paxton in his car. It still feels like it happened to another person. She’d felt the warmth of his hand on her chin and throat for hours after, fell asleep with the memory of his lips. Devi doesn’t think she’s ever felt as accepted or wanted as Paxton made her feel in that moment. When she was at her most vulnerable and her most alone, he was there to remind her that someone cared about her. That  _ he  _ cared about her. 

“Devi!” Her mom calls, “Are you helping with the pancakes or not?” 

“Coming, Mom!” Devi pulls up her messages and shoots Paxton a text before heading downstairs. 

**Devi Vishwakumar <6:34 pm>** : _ Hey...sorry I missed your call. Kinda had a family emergency. Talk Monday?  _

The kitchen is full of happy chaos, with pancake mix spilling onto the counter in a sprinkle of fine dust. The heavy sweet scent of batter accompanies the sizzle of the skillet. 

Nalini looks up from where she is intently watching the pancakes cook, spatula at the ready. “Oh, Devi, finally. Can you wash the blueberries? We can put them in the next batch.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Devi picks up the carton of blueberries and runs them under cold water, listening to her cousin and mother talk. 

“They smell amazing,” Kamala says reverently, leaning in closer to inhale the scent of freshly made pancakes. 

“Mohan made them best but I’ve always had a bit of a sweet tooth,” Nalini replies, flipping the final pancake onto the plate with gusto. 

Devi’s phone vibrates in her pocket. She sets the blueberries down and grabs at it, checking to make sure her mom isn’t looking before opening the message. 

**Paxton!! <6:37 pm>** :  _ Np, don’t worry about it. Everything ok? _

No, actually, she wants to say, all the repressed feelings about my dad have been brought to the surface and I’m deeply worried that my brain is going to do something self-destructive. 

Of course, that’s probably a bad thing to say. She’ll save it for her therapist. Better to lie. Someone like Paxton, no matter how nice he actually is, doesn’t need to hear all about her problems. He’s seen enough of Devi at her worst. 

**Devi Vishwakumar <6:39 pm>: ** _ Yeah, all good over here! Nearly died on the highway a 1000x and John McEnroe yelled at my mom!  _

Paxton answers immediately, typing bubbles popping up the moment her message is delivered. 

**Paxton!! <6:40 pm>: ** _ The tennis player? Wow that sounds like a lot lol...I’m not doing anything rn if you feel like you wanna talk about it? _

She’s trying to come up with a polite way to answer when her mom taps her on the shoulder. “Put your phone away, we’re having family time,” Mom says. 

Devi jumps and puts her phone back in her pocket. “Sorry, Mom.” 

~

Tuesday means therapy with Dr. Ryan and for once, it can’t come soon enough. 

Monday was the biggest shit show of a day Devi’s experienced in a long time. First Ben interrupted her and Paxton’s conversation, completely ruining whatever she could salvage from that situation with his display. The insinuation that they were automatically together now when they hadn’t really talked that much since Malibu, when he still _ had a girlfriend _ , irked her a little bit. As did his near-constant insults about Paxton’s intelligence. Devi wished he could go back to being the sweet boy who drove her to Malibu like a grandma and slept in his car waiting for her, but the reality was that Ben was both. He was the rich douchebag with a god complex and the impossibly kind kid who just wanted to make sure she was okay. 

Devi wasn’t sure how to feel about that. 

Plus he keeps calling her David and, look, Devi didn’t know much about real relationships but she knew that you probably shouldn’t call the girl you like by an anglicized masculine version of her name, not if you wanted to get to second-base anytime soon. 

And every time she looked at Paxton he just seemed so hurt and defeated, and the part of her that is desperate to be loved is ecstatic that she did  _ that  _ to Paxton Hall-Yoshida but the other part, the part that knows he sat by his little sister’s bed with a Nerf gun to protect her, that he keeps other people’s secrets even when it doesn’t benefit him and somehow always seems to compliment her when she needs it most...that part of her is very sad that someone she cares about is hurting. 

Devi is beginning to realize that boys are more trouble than they’re worth. 

Dr. Ryan sits as poised as ever, hands clasped in front of her. Devi allows herself to relax in a safe space. “Welcome back, Devi.” 

“Hi Dr. Ryan,” she says, “Thanks for agreeing to see me again. I know I...kind of went off the rails last time?” 

“Kind of?” Dr. Ryan asks as she arches a brow. 

“Okay, a lot. I know it’s not an excuse but I was going through a lot at the time, I still am, honestly, and I think one of my defense mechanisms is to push people away before they can leave me themselves,” Devi explains, looking at the comforting purple pottery in front of her. It’s a weirdly curvy shape. 

“That’s very self-aware of you, Devi…” Dr. Ryan remarks. “Have you been reading the pamphlets I gave you?” 

“A little bit,” Devi admits. “And I- I wrote in that grief journal this weekend. After we went to Malibu to scatter my dad’s ashes.” 

“And how did that go?” 

“It was, you know, a lot. But I felt lighter after it was all over. I’m still dreaming about him though.” She looks down at her hands, picking at her nails. 

“That’s completely normal, Devi,” Dr. Ryan’s voice is comforting. “It’s just how your mind is processing your grief. I know it hurts to wake up and not have him there but I think this could also be a source of comfort for you. Your dad’s not really gone as long as he’s in your head.” 

“Yeah but the problem is he’s sometimes out of it, too. My uncle was at our house recently and I freaked out in the middle of the night because I thought he was my dad. I see him everywhere!” Devi exclaims, tears coming to her eyes as she reveals everything to her therapist. “I couldn’t even go back to orchestra because I almost had a panic attack in practice. I get flashbacks when I hear an ambulance or see one go by. And I try to keep it to myself because, like, who wants to be around the girl who can’t get over her dead dad? But then I just explode later and everyone gets mad at me!” Her breath starts to come faster and faster. Devi starts jiggling her legs just to make sure she hasn’t lost the feeling of them again. 

“Take a breath, Devi, you’re alright.” Devi listens. “Okay, good, one more. In and out.” She inhales and exhales in time with Dr. Ryan until her breathing calms down. 

Once she’s calmed down, Dr. Ryan speaks. “Now, I want you to listen to me. You experienced major trauma at a young age. It is perfectly natural to have some kind of PTSD from that. Your grief about your dad is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. You’re only hurting yourself when you repress your emotions and force other people away. The only way forward is through.” 

“I don’t know how to do that,” she admits. 

“That’s what I’m here for, hon.” Dr. Ryan sits back and smiles. 

Devi smiles back and blinks back grateful tears. “Can we talk about something else for a minute?” 

“Sure,” Dr. Ryan says. “How’s that boy?” 

“Which one?” 

“ _Which_ _one_?! Devi! Kid, you better explain yourself.” 

So, after a fortifying breath, Devi does. It takes up the rest of their time to tell Dr. Ryan about Paxton kissing her, her time at Ben’s house, the ordeal to get her to Malibu, her kissing Ben, and all of Monday. When she’s finally done Dr. Ryan looks deep in thought. 

“And that’s it. It’s a lot, I know,” Devi says. “So...what do you think?” 

“About what?” 

“Well, Paxton or Ben?” She clarifies. “I mean that’s the big question, isn’t it? The cliffhanger. ‘Which guy will Devi Vishwakumar choose? Tune in next week to find out’ sort of thing.” 

“Honey, that is so not important right now. You need to focus on yourself,” Dr. Ryan says. “You are in no position to be in a relationship, trust me. These boys have their own insecurities and problems, they don’t just exist to be your boyfriend.” 

“I know that!” 

“Do you?” 

“I just…” She trails off and starts again. “I don’t want to be alone.” 

“Devi, you are not alone. You have your family and your friends and if these boys really care about you, they will be your friend even if there’s nothing in it for them.” Dr. Ryan looks at her watch and notes their time is up. “Just, think about it, okay? I’ll see you next week.” 

~ 

The rest of the week goes smoothly, or relatively so considering her mind is a clusterfuck of grief and indecision. Devi logically knows that Dr. Ryan is right, that pursuing a boyfriend, any boyfriend, is just another way to ignore dealing with her very real mental health issues. Part of becoming an adult is learning how to prioritize yourself and recognize what you really need, according to one of the pamphlets in her room. Devi just really wished she could ignore all of that and do what she really wants to do, be a normal teenager with normal teenage problems. Like having two amazing people be interested in her and feeling paralyzed with the weight of that decision. She doesn’t really want to hurt anybody, especially not Paxton or Ben. 

Paxton’s already hurt, in a way that she never would have expected from him. He’s still moping around, avoiding her in the hallways like the plague but following her with his eyes at every opportunity. It’s actually insane how clearly she’s affected him. Devi can’t really believe it. But it’s there, right in front of her eyes and impossible to ignore. She thought he was just some shallow popular guy, very attractive and confident and vaguely defined. Even when she fantasized about him he was just whatever she wanted at that moment. Now she’s realizing that her assumptions about Paxton couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

And then there’s Ben, who clearly thinks the two of them are a done deal. She feels guilty about him too. He broke up with his girlfriend, told Patty about her, and keeps trying to be weirdly nice to her. It doesn’t really come across the way he wants it to because he always slips into their usual insults, but Devi can appreciate the effort. He’s not exactly what she thought he was either, although years of being his nemesis have given her a head start. Ben is incredibly giving and loyal to the people he cares about. And he cares about her. She just wishes she could be whatever he wants her to be. They’re both looking to each other to solve their problems and it’s not sustainable. 

“I can’t believe you got that question wrong, David. I thought everyone knew Jimmy Carter’s ‘Crisis of Confidence’ speech,” Ben laughs, elbowing her good-naturedly. Devi bristles at the comment. 

“Not everyone can focus on school all the time, Ben,” she says, ignoring the nickname. 

“Yeah but we’re not everyone. We’re better,” he says, grabbing books out of his locker. Devi just stares, it’s like he doesn’t even hear himself when he says pretentious shit like that. 

Devi’s smart. She prides herself on that, she’s never shied away from it. And she doesn’t think it’s arrogant to say she’s academically smarter than most people. But she just can’t in good conscience say she’s  _ better _ than anyone anymore, not when she knows she’s a half-step away from a mental breakdown at all times. Maybe everyone else won’t get into Princeton or be the best in their field, but they’re probably a lot happier than she is. I mean, look at Trent! He’s not exactly competing for Valedictorian but Devi’s never seen him have a bad day. 

“Whatever,” she mutters, slamming her locker shut. 

“Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Any plans?” Ben asks eagerly, following her down the hall despite his class being in the opposite direction. 

“I’m having a sleepover with Fab and Eleanor, we’re going to Fab’s house. Mrs. Torres said she’d give us facials.” 

“Oh cool, a general assembly of the UN. Sounds fun,” he replies, smiling. 

Devi sighs. “Ben, I told you that’s racist.” 

“Sorry. It’s not meant to be.” 

“It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean it to be racist, Ben, it’s still racist!” 

The outburst is loud and captivates the attention of the entire hall, which is highly populated in between classes. See, this is why Dr. Ryan tells her not to hold things in. She ends up accusing people of microaggressions in front of the entire school. 

Ben eyes their audience and tries to speak calmly, pretending at privacy. “I told you, it doesn’t mean United Nations, it means-”

She speaks over him, too worked up to be nice. “Unfuckable Nerds, yes I know. That’s not really the band-aid you think it is.” 

“Look, Devi, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it like that.” Ben sees how hurt she really is, how frustrated, and his expression goes soft, apologetic. 

“Yeah…” Devi shakes her head. “I’m going to class. We should talk later.” 

She turns to walk away but stops at the feeling of Ben’s hand grasping hers. 

“Devi, I’m  _ really _ sorry. I swear I won’t say it again,” he says, face imploring and close to hers. His hand is in hers and his eyes are all she sees. Devi finds herself falling in them a bit. 

She gives him a small smile and pulls away. “I know, Ben. I’ll talk to you later.” 

~ 

He finds her after school when they’re both waiting to be picked up. Ben approaches her cautiously. 

“So, have I mentioned that I’m sorry?” 

Devi chuckles, “Once or twice.” 

“Because I really am. Sorry, I mean. I know I can be…” 

He says “harsh” at the same time Devi says “a psycho”. They both laugh a little. 

Ben continues. “But now that we’re...you know, together, it won’t be like that anymore. We’re just two really competitive people, we want to be the best and obliterate the competition. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“Ben, we haven’t even been on a date, I wouldn’t say we’re together,” Devi says, crossing her arms. 

“Then let’s go on a date!” He responds excitedly, expression fading at her hesitance. “Unless you don’t want to?” 

“It’s not that, exactly. It’s more like...I just started to process the fact that I watched my dad die right in front of me and I don’t know if I should be in a relationship with anybody right now. It wouldn’t be fair to you.” She looks at him imploringly, begging him to understand. Devi really does care about Ben and she likes being his friend. If they go back to being just rivals after this, Devi thinks that will hurt more than any failed romantic relationship. 

“Devi, I- I really care about you,” Ben murmurs, looking lost. 

“I care about you too. And I want you to be happy. I’m just not sure this is it,” she says. Her mom’s car pulls into the lot and Devi steps forward, pressing a quick kiss to Ben’s cheek before backing away. “Bye, Ben.” 

He’s still looking at the ground when she gets into the car. Her mom tries to make eye contact with her but Devi stares firmly ahead. With a grumble, Nalini pulls away. 

They’re sitting in silence at a traffic light when her mom finally speaks. “So are you dating Ben Gross now? Because I won’t approve just because he’s a hobbit person.” 

“It’s just hobbit, Mom,” Devi corrects, “And I thought you liked him.” 

“Sure I do,” Mom replies, accelerating at the light turns green. “I like him the way you like an orphaned puppy or a very sick child. It’s mostly pity but there is a hint of genuine affection.” 

“Well rest assured, I just told him we can’t be together,” she says, “But for the record, you invited him over for dinner and let me stay at his house for a week. You can’t be sending mixed signals like that, people get confused.” 

Okay, maybe she’s projecting. 

“What mixed signals? I did that because I thought he was the furthest thing from a romantic option for you! Good god, Devi, if I thought you wanted to date him I would not have treated him like your Uncle Aaravind!” 

Devi laughs in spite of herself at the thought of Ben acting like her curmudgeonly old uncle. Nalini looks at her daughter in surprise and then begins laughing too. The two get themselves under control a few times but every time they make eye contact, mother and daughter crack up again. 

It’s a nice drive home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go. I hope you enjoyed that trip in Devi's mind. I think next chapter might also be in her POV, because there are some things I didn't cover in this chapter. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this. I really tried to be as kind as I could to Ben, who I deeply love as a character, and to Ben and Devi's relationship but ultimately this is a Daxton fic and Daxton endgame. I'm sure the Ben/Devi ship will get their time to shine in the actual season two.


	4. Trying to Find a Better Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, me again! Thanks for the love you've given this story. I'm so glad you like it. I increased the chapter count. I have a vague outline for where this story will go and I just couldn't fit everything into one more chapter. 
> 
> This chapter is once again in Devi's POV but I'm expecting Paxton will be back next chapter.

When her mom drops Devi off at the Torres house promptly at 5:00 pm, Eleanor’s car is already sitting comfortably in the driveway. Immediately a spike of anxiety goes through her. How long has Eleanor been here? Are they talking about her? Is she going to be the third wheel to the Fab and Eleanor show now? 

They’ve been hanging out at school like usual, and constantly texting in their group chat, so there’s no reason to think anything bad is going to happen but Devi still remembers how much it hurt to be called a bad friend and not have any sort of rebuttal. She  _ had  _ been a bad friend, she’d been self-absorbed and selfish, expecting Fabiola and Eleanor to bend to her whims instead of being supportive of them. Ever since they became friends Devi was always the ringleader with Fab and Eleanor content to follow her harebrained schemes. They’d never complained before, so she’d gotten comfortable with it. But now, after their breakup and subsequent reunion, she analyzes every interaction, trying to see when she shifted from a good friend to a selfish one. 

Devi reminds herself that there’s nothing she can do to change the past. The only way forward is through. She takes a deep breath and knocks on the Torres’s front door. 

Mrs. Torres opens the door with a huge smile on her face. “Devi! Come on in, babe, the girls are up in Fab’s room.” 

“Hey, Mrs. Torres,” Devi greets, stepping inside and toeing her shoes off. She takes the stairs more sedately than usual. 

Fab’s room is...exactly what you’d expect. The furniture is feminine and pretty, forced on her by her well-meaning mother, but the walls are littered with science posters and different awards from her numerous robot competitions. It’s all very neat and well put together, except for the giant desk in the one corner that houses all of Fabiola’s designs and half-finished creations. Right in the middle of the room, lounging on the plush grey carpet, are her best friends. 

“Finally!” Eleanor exclaims. 

“We thought you were never going to come,” Fabiola says, standing up to give her a warm hug. Devi returns it, feeling her anxieties fall away. 

This is Fab and Eleanor, her literal soulmates, the only people not related to her who’ve seen every part of her and chosen her anyway. Anything broken between them can be fixed because Devi will hold onto them with both hands and refuse to let go. 

She throws her backpack onto Fab’s bed and flops down next to Eleanor, taking a Twizzler from the open bag to her right. “What’s on the agenda tonight, ladies? Besides your mom giving us organic facials, Fab,” Devi teases, nudging Fabiola with her foot. 

Her friend dips her head back and groans while Eleanor and Devi watch, laughing. “Seriously, you guys, you shouldn’t encourage her. Soon she’ll just think she can hang out with us.” 

“Hate to break it to you, Fab, but you officially have the Cool Mom,” Eleanor tells her. 

Fabiola shakes her head frantically, panicked. “I can’t handle that kind of responsibility.” 

“Not our call,” Devi says. “My mom is too uptight and Eleanor’s mom is a basketcase.” After she says it, Devi winces and watches Eleanor for any sort of adverse reaction. 

Eleanor just nods, face set in emphatic agreement. “It’s true. Sorry.” 

Fab just rolls her eyes before looking down at her phone, which has just lit up with a notification. Eleanor and Devi watch as she ducks her chin down to read it, a smitten smile on her face. The two exchange a look. 

“So…” Devi trails off. “What’s Eve doing tonight?” 

“She’s watching her little sister. They’re watching Frozen.” 

“That’s adorable,” Eleanor says. 

Fabiola finally looks up from her phone. Her rosy cheeks and obvious happiness bring a smile to Devi’s face. Fab is  _ so into  _ Eve and it’s the best thing she’s ever seen. “Yeah, I guess it’s her sister’s favorite movie.” 

“Plus Elsa is like, a lesbian icon, so that’s a win,” Devi chimes in, reaching for another Twizzler. 

Eleanor gasps, sitting up straight. “Eve should totally be Elsa for Halloween! How amazing would that be? I can swipe a wig from props and do her makeup...Holy shit, Fab, you have to tell her to do it.” 

Fab blushes. “We kind of already talked about doing a... _ Charlie’s Angels _ costume.” 

Devi furrows her brow but Eleanor cackles in delight. “Oh. Okay. Gotcha.” She winks at Fabiola, who looks like she wants to die. 

“Am I missing something?” Devi asks, dreading this reminder of her recent absence. 

“Fab has a type with a capital T and it involves beautiful women with platinum blonde pixie cuts and massive amounts of BDE,” Eleanor explains. 

Her eyes widen in realization and she laughs. “Right on, Fab,” Devi holds a hand out for a high-five, which Fabiola obliges with extreme reluctance. “K. Stew is  _ hot _ .” 

The three of them relax into conversation, as easy as it’s always been, and Devi wonders why she was ever nervous at all. 

~ 

It’s been two weeks since the sleepover at Fab’s, when Devi decided it was time to focus on her friendships over romance. After a couple of prickly days, she and Ben have reached a truce. They’re friendly but more cautious around each other. He keeps looking at Devi with beseeching eyes that she ignores. Paxton returned to his usual seat in the front after a week of self-inflicted banishment. His attention remains fixated on Mr. Shapiro’s painful lectures and keeping Trent awake during class. 

They haven’t spoken since that Monday. This deeply bothers Devi for reasons she doesn’t want to analyze. 

Dr. Ryan tells her to give it time, that an opportunity to patch things up will occur naturally, but Devi doesn’t even know what that would look like. They were never actually friends. Devi was just intensely fixated on Paxton and he was nice enough to indulge her. Except that’s not exactly true...

_ “Once I figured out how I felt, I just wanted you.” _

No one’s ever talked to her like that, just laid out their entire heart for her to do whatever she wants with it. He didn’t even expect anything when he said it. Replaying the entire conversation in her head, Devi can tell that he never expected her to jump into his arms or return his feelings. He just told her because he thought she’d deserved to know. 

There’s so much depth to him, so much more than she’d first realized. Devi, as a naturally curious person, can’t help but want to know more. She’s far too messed up to be in any kind of romantic relationship, she wholeheartedly accepts this, but there’s nothing wrong with friendship right? What could it hurt? 

Of course, Paxton would have to actually talk to her first. 

~ 

**Unknown Number <3:30 pm>:** _Hey, Devi!!! This is Rebecca, I got your # from Paxton. I wanted to invite you over for dinner this weekend as a thank you for being the BEST MODEL EVER. Are you free Sunday?_

**Devi <3:32 pm>:** _Hey Rebecca, no need to thank me! Your designs are amazing!! Idk about this weekend, I’ll have to check with my mom. Can I get back to you?_

**Rebecca H-Y <3:34 pm>:** _Of course! I really hope you can come tho, feel like we haven’t seen you in forever._

**Devi <3:35 pm>:** _I know! You still have to tell me what happened with that boy Henry btw. I didn’t forget._

**Rebecca H-Y <3:35 pm>:** _Smh maybe you shouldn’t come over…_

**Rebecca H-Y <3:36 pm>:** _ Jk! Hahaha _

**Devi <3:37 pm>:** _ laughing emoji _

**Devi <4:15 pm>:** _Just talked to my mom. We’re on for Sunday! What time?_

**Rebecca H-Y <4:17 pm>** : _ Omg yesssssss. Dinner’s @ 6. See you then. _

~ 

Sunday comes around and Devi seriously considers calling Rebecca and telling her she’s sick, can barely move, has food poisoning, got arrested...anything to get out of this. Paxton hasn’t spoken to her in two weeks and now she’s expected to have dinner with him? Not only him  _ but his entire family _ ? 

Maybe she can get her mom to ground her, that way it isn’t even really a lie. Just a calculated evasion. 

Devi scolds herself. She’s being a coward, something that goes against the very core of her being, and unfair to Rebecca, who is one of the sweetest, coolest people Devi’s ever met. So what if things are weird with Paxton? That doesn’t mean she can’t be there to support his sister. If he has a problem with it he can bring it up himself. Devi will be the bigger person. She’s never done it before but she hears it’s rewarding, or whatever. 

Still, Devi throws together a nice outfit - it takes two hours - because it’s ingrained in her to make a good impression on any authority figure ever, up to and including the parents of a boy you once asked to have sex with you. Kamala side-eyes her cute jean skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan ensemble but Devi pointedly ignores her. 

Her heart pounds when they pull up to the charming green house, with Paxton’s instantly recognizable red Jeep sitting in the driveway just before the matching garage. It’s a quiet street, much like her own, filled with an odd mix of family homes and retired couples. A pair of men walk down the street holding hands, enjoying the late October sunshine. Her mom waits while she knocks on the door, strangely nervous. She’s never knocked on Paxton’s door before. She was always just invited inside. Devi tries to assume a nonchalant expression when she hears footsteps approaching. 

Rebecca opens the door and instantly envelopes her into a hug so tight it knocks the air out of Devi’s lungs. “Devi! I’m so glad you could come!” 

Rebecca releases her and the two young women smile at each other gleefully. There is something so effortlessly cool about Rebecca, Devi instantly relaxes in her presence. She wonders if it’s just a Hall-Yoshida family requirement to be that awesome. 

“Thanks for inviting me,” she says. “I love your outfit.” 

Rebecca looks down at her two-tone blouse and cigarette pants. Devi recognizes the fabric from the photoshoot. “Thanks, it’s from the same collection you modeled for me.” 

Devi nods appreciatively. “Very Audrey Hepburn.” 

“But with a Cher Horowitz twist, right?” She asks, flipping her long blonde hair behind her back. 

“Totally,” Devi laughs. 

“Come on, Mom and Paxton are in the kitchen cooking,” she says. Devi’s heart lurches at the mention of Paxton. Rebecca grabs her hand and pulls her into a brightly lit, roomy kitchen. A petite middle-aged woman with brown hair is attentively chopping up what looks to be ingredients for a salad. She’s bopping her head to the music, which Devi doesn’t immediately recognize but infers from the overwhelming synth to be eighties pop. Paxton is directly across from his mother on the other side of the kitchen island rolling some type of dough into a ball and plopping them into a muffin tin. He is also mouthing along to whatever music is playing. Mother and son are both so engrossed in their tasks that they don’t notice Rebecca hauling Devi into the kitchen. 

“Mom, Paxton, Devi’s here!” Rebecca says cheerfully. 

Mrs. Hall-Yoshida looks up and smiles at her, setting aside her knife. Something in the lop-sided nature of her smile reminds Devi of Paxton. 

“Devi, so nice to meet you.” The woman greets her, coming closer to shake her hand warmly. Her eyes are the same confusing mass of brown and hazel as Paxton’s. “I feel like I’ve heard so much about you from Paxton and Becca!” 

“Hi, Professor Hall-Yoshida,” Devi says. It’s common knowledge around Sherman Oaks High, and probably the entire region, that Paxton’s mom is a tenured professor at Pomona College, one of the best liberal arts schools in the country. “Thanks for having me over. These are for you.” Devi hands over the obligatory box of assorted chocolates. 

“Oh, no, none of that. Please call me Tracy.” Tracy takes the box and gestures towards the island. “Have a seat, dear. I’ll get you something to drink. Dinner should be ready in about twenty minutes, right Paxton?” 

Paxton nods, plopping the last ball of dough into the muffin tin and smoothly transferring the tin into the ready oven. “Yeah. Twenty-five minutes for the cheesebread. I have the miso sauce simmering. You just need to cook the linguine.” 

His mom nods easily and it becomes obvious that Paxton is running this show. Devi sits at the kitchen island, Rebecca chatting with Tracy off to her right, and watches Paxton clean up. 

“Hey, Paxton,” she says with practiced nonchalance. 

The boy looks at her with those ridiculous hazel eyes, smile lines crinkling. “Hi, Vishwakumar.” 

“I didn’t know you could cook.” 

He shrugs. “It’s relaxing. Plus I have to follow a sorta strict diet during swim season and it’s just easier to make everything myself.” 

“Don’t listen to him, Devi, he’s an amazing cook,” Tracy laughs. “I have no idea where he gets it from.” 

“It smells amazing in here, Paxton, seriously,” Devi assures him. 

Flushing, Paxton brings his hand up and rubs the back of his neck. “Thanks, Devi.” 

Devi smiles at him and turns to Rebecca. “So have you heard from fashion school yet?” 

“I got an email that I made the short-list but nothing solid yet. I’m trying not to think about it,” The blonde girl answers, shaking her head. 

“Short-list is good!” Devi exclaims, rubbing her friend’s arm. “You shouldn’t be too nervous about it, I know you’ll get in.”

“Well, I had a great model,” Rebecca says. “Don’t you think Paxton?” 

His head snaps up from where he’s busy filling a bowl to soak in the sink. “Huh, what’d you say, Bex?” 

“I said don’t you think Devi was a great model for my portfolio?” 

Devi observes the siblings as they stare each other down, Rebecca’s eyes full of mischief and Paxton looking calculating. She’s missing something here. Finally, Paxton says, “Yeah, of course, she was a great model. Devi always looks good.” He says it easily like it’s just a fact to him. Him, who looks like a vintage  _ Abercrombie & Fitch _ model at all times. 

Unfamiliar with praise regarding her appearance, Devi says possibly the worst thing she could say. “ _ Google Earth _ , always taking pics.”

Paxton and Rebecca both laugh, breaking the tension between them. Tracy looks on with a confused expression on her face. “Children…” 

Out in the entryway, the door clicks open, and rustling can be heard from the kitchen. 

“Oh, good, I was worried he’d gotten caught at work again,” Tracy says. Devi assumes she’s about to meet Paxton’s father. 

The man who walks into the kitchen is well-kempt and slender, like Paxton himself. He’s about the same height as his son. Devi feels like she’s looking into the future, at an older version of Paxton who wears suits like it’s his job and has artfully placed salt and pepper hair. Paxton is a carbon-copy of his dad except for the eyes. 

Paxton’s dad kisses his wife hello and taps Rebecca’s cheek affectionately. The scene makes Devi’s heart lurch. She looks away only to see Paxton watching her with sad eyes. Devi freezes, caught, but Paxton just gives her an understanding smile. 

“Honey, this is Paxton’s friend Devi,” Tracy introduces. 

Devi wonders at that descriptor, given that Rebecca is the one who invited her, but she pushes it to the back of her mind. “Devi Vishwakumar. Nice to meet you, sir.” 

“Pleasure’s all mine, Devi,” The man’s smile is subtle but there. “I’m Douan, Paxton and Rebecca’s dad. Most people call me Don.” 

“Thank you for having me, Douan,” Devi says. Douan’s smile widens and he nods approvingly. 

Dinner is ready shortly after Douan gets home and they all sit down to eat in the warm yellow dining room. She’s reminded of her own family dinners from when her dad was alive. Everyone is loud and informal, pulling food from the center of the table, exchanging stories about their day. 

“Devi, you and Paxton are in the same history class, is that right?” Tracy asks, taking a bite of her salad. 

Devi nods. “Yeah, with Mr. Shapiro. He’s kind of a nut case so you basically have to teach yourself but it’s an interesting class.” 

“Maybe you should tutor Paxton here,” Douan suggests with a light laugh. “Help keep that grade steady.” 

Paxton stiffens across from her and shoots a look at his dad. “I’m sure Devi’s busy with other stuff, Dad.” 

“It was just a suggestion. You know you have to keep those grades up for college recruiters. D1 schools expect a lot from their athletes.” 

“Paxton’s doing well in the class, Mr. Hall-Yoshida,” Devi interjects. “I sit right behind him and he takes good notes. Mr. Shapiro just likes to talk about whatever he wants and sometimes he doesn’t adequately prepare us for exams.” 

Douan humphs, going back to his dinner. “Sounds like an idiot.” 

“He’s really smart just, you know, a little out there.” 

“Smart people can be idiots, Devi,” the man says. “Always remember that.” 

Devi thinks, with horrified realization, that Paxton’s dad and her mom would be great friends. 

~ 

Dinner is over and Devi lounges in the living room with the Hall-Yoshida family, wondering how the hell this is her life. No seriously, a month ago she would have killed a man to be in this exact situation. And now this just happens? She has dinner with Paxton’s family, who seem to like her, and Paxton himself, who is treating her normally and not holding her at a distance? 

“Do you need a ride home, dear?” Tracy asks, taking a sip of tea from her mug. 

“No, I can just text my mom whenever I’m ready to leave. We don’t live too far from here.”

“I can drive you home,” Paxton says abruptly. 

Devi stares at him. “Are you sure?” 

He nods, looking away from her. “Yeah, it’s no big deal. Not like I don’t know where you live.” 

“I mean...if you don’t mind, I’d appreciate it.” She’s still staring at his profile, wondering why he’s offering this when they haven’t been alone together in weeks. 

“Text your mom. Let her know I’m dropping you off,” he says, standing up and going to grab his shoes. 

Devi stands with him and says goodbye to Douan. Tracy and Rebecca walk her to the front door. 

“Thanks again for inviting me over, Rebecca,” Devi says. “I had a great time.” 

“We’ll have to hang out more,” Rebecca reaches out and gives her a hug. 

“Definitely,” Devi agrees, returning the embrace. 

“Yes, come over anytime, Devi, you’re always welcome. Especially if you bring more chocolate,” Tracy jokes. 

Devi laughs. “I’ll see what I can do.” 

Paxton comes to the front door, keys in his hand, and puts a jacket on over his flannel. “Ready to go?” 

“Yeah.” 

Devi says goodbye to everyone again and the two of them step out into the October night. Alone. 

They stand together under the lone porch light, awkwardly intimate in the circle of light. 

Paxton gestures behind him. “Ah, Jeep’s over here.” 

Devi nods and follows him to the car. Paxton puts the car into drive and pulls out onto the street. Music plays softly from the speakers. 

“Your family’s really nice,” she says. 

“Thanks,” Paxton replies, looking over at her. “Sorry my dad was, like, you know…” 

“He’s not so bad,” Devi laughs. “I think he and my mom should compare notes.” 

Paxton shudders. “Please no. I don’t think I’d survive that meeting.” 

She smiles faintly. “I’m still sorry about my mom, by the way.” 

He nods and Devi gets distracted by the way his hair moves with the motion, settling on his forehead. “I’m sorry about everything else,” he says softly. 

The music settles over them like fog and they lapse into a more comfortable silence. 

It really isn’t that far of a drive to her house and before she knows it Paxton is turning onto her street. Devi counts the houses down to hers. That familiar awkward feeling settles back over her as Paxton parks in front of her house. 

The last time they were in this situation he kissed her. 

“So…” 

“Uh, thanks for the ride,” Devi murmurs. 

“No problem.” 

Devi nods but makes no move to get out of the car. Dinner tonight showed her how much she misses him, the easy comfort of Paxton’s presence. He always manages to make her feel at home in her own skin. Like, he accepts her just the way she is. There aren’t very many people in the world who make her feel like that. Who make her feel safe. 

“Paxton, look I-” Devi starts to say. Her throat feels dry. “I know things have been weird between us but... I’d really like us to be friends. Or try to be. Because you’re actually kind of awesome and I didn’t realize that before, but I do now, and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m a mess.” 

“You’re not a mess, Devi,” Paxton admonishes, shaking his head. 

“You know what I mean,” she says. “I’m not ready for a relationship but my therapist tells me that isolation is dangerous and I should be more open to people.” 

“So you want to be friends because your therapist said to?” 

“No, that’s not! I didn’t-” Devi trails off at the smirk on Paxton’s face. “You’re joking.” 

“A little,” he shrugs. “Sorry, couldn’t help it.” 

“Jerk,” she laughs, slapping him on the arm. 

Paxton smiles at her. “I’d love to be your friend, Vishwakumar.” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” 

“Great!” Devi holds out her pinky. “Swear on it. We’re friends now.” 

Paxton looks down at her outstretched pinky dubiously. Devi smiles and raises her eyebrows. He laughs and hooks his pinky around hers. His hand feels impossibly warm. “Alright, Devi. Friends.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...And there we are!!! The friends-to-lovers transition begins! Leave a comment and tell me what you think of this new chapter. 
> 
> If you wanna follow me on Tumblr my name is carrie-organa. Let me know your Daxton headcanons and we can chat! 
> 
> See you next time. 
> 
> Love, Kam


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